Lonliness

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Although it seems like so many of my friends are having babies at and around the same time that we did, there is something very isolating about having a baby (or babies, in our case). I first was able to put a finger on this feeling after I went on a walk with a friend and her baby at the beginning of the summer.

No, this isn’t postpartum depression, but it is loneliness. It’s the feeling that life is going on around you, without you.

Now, I have to be really careful to not seem like I’m complaining, because I am not. I longed for these babies, prayed for them, wanted them so much. I am more in love with them each and every day. I truly love my life and my family. I’m not overwhelmed like I was in the early days of motherhood. I actually feel quite settled.

But there are days and weeks that I do feel lonely. It’s odd, because I constantly have 2 other living, breathing, interacting beings with me at all hours of the day. At night, I have my amazing husband. I have a dog and a cat that vie for my attention. I also have a fantastic family: parents, parents-in-law, siblings, my sisters-in-law and brother-in-law, nephew… all who give me the adult stimulation that I need. They are there for me to talk, share feelings, being friends as well as family.

Yet I do feel loneliness and isolated.

My friends and co-workers from before are not in the same stage of life as me. They have not chosen to stay at home with their children (if they have any). If they do stay home, they aren’t moms of multiples, so they don’t have the same challenges as I do. Believe me, things are a lot more complicated with two babies than with one (or even one and a toddler).

Again, I’m not complaining… I’m just pointing it out. Having babies is isolating. Friends won’t be around like they used to. If you want to spend time with them, you have to figure out what to do with the babies (find a sitter? bring them? plan around meals/naps/activity time?). They will say that you can do something after they go to bed. You know what, though? You will just want to sleep.

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Comments

  1. The loneliness of becoming a new mom is tough. And I imagine, even tougher for moms of multiples. That is probably why moms have always gotten together with their babies for mommy playdates, with their babies in tow (even though it is a pain to get them out of the house, and even harder for parents with more than one). That is also why, I found ways to get out when you guys were babies, thanks to Cathy Simons and other support systems, one or two afternoons a week. I remember saying to Tim Lindstrom when you were about 6 or 7 months old that I felt really unproductive. He said “Are you kidding me?? LOOK at what you are producing!!” He was right. This loneliness feels so forever, but it isn’t. I promise. Do let others come in and help you, so you can get out and do things and be with others. It is hard to leave your babies, but it really does help with the loneliness.

  2. I feel the same way and I don’t know about you, but until the babies got good at sitting I couldn’t imagine going to storytime or other events because juggling wiggly fussy babies is no fun! I don’t have anything useful to add, just that I’m with you. I hope it’ll be easier to get out and meet other local moms when they start walking and wanting to play at the playground!

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