I made it 9 months breastfeeding twins. I think that that is an amazing statement. It wasn’t without its road bumps, tears, pain, and desire to give up. But I made it 9 months. Occasionally we throw in a bottle of formula, but my babies were almost exclusively breastfed (or drinking pumped breast milk) for 9 months. As I write that, I need to let that sink in.
I wonder, sadly, if I am nearing the end of my breastfeeding journey. Lately, I have been dealing with many bites, pulls, pinches, kicks, hits, clogged ducts, and milk blisters. I enter each nursing session with apprehension. Will this be the time that they bite me until I bleed? Those 4 baby teeth are sharp! I feel like they can sense this hesitancy and it is effecting our session. Instead of cuddling and bonding, I am fighting flailing legs and arms, the twinkle in their eyes right before a chomp, the quick push away when they have finished after only 30 seconds, and the pain of engorged breasts because I wasn’t emptied.
Oh, and no, I can’t pump to empty myself after each nursing session. I have two mobile twins to chase after and play with.
So part of me wants to be done. I made it 9 months.
But it’s not my 12 month goal. There’s something satisfying about making it a full year, right? I mean, I am stubborn, and it would be great to make it 12 months with twins! Plus, not all of the sessions are that bad. Some are still sweet and full of cuddles. I now get that one-on-one attention with each baby. We have developed our own nursing language, full of eye flirts and sounds and Audrey patting me on the back when she’s done (“Good job, Mommy”) and David blowing raspberries to signal his completion. Am I really ready to give this up? Plus, sometimes they will come and attack me and grasp at my chest while we are playing, and then I know that they want to nurse. Can I deny them that?
So I don’t know. I’m ready but I’m not. I’m excited to get back to my normal bras and my wardrobe that hasn’t fit me because of my over-enlarged breasts. I’m ready to feel like I could escape for a full day and not have to pump to relieve myself. I’m ready for this next step in our relationship as mommy and babies. But I’m also loving those last few sweetnesses that we are finding with nursing. I’m so conflicted.